Carlisle's Black Bile
by The Nosewalkers
Summary: Carlisle, being the marvelous medical man that he is, undertakes a quest with the help of Edward, Bella, Jacob, and Renesmee to discover that legendary bodily substance: Black Bile! Will they find it, or will they all die trying?


**Disclaimer:** Sadly, we do not own Twilight. If we did, it would be much bloodier and shorter, and it would probably feature more bananas and baseball bats. Also, a kitten dies. You have been warned.

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><p><strong>Carlisle's Black Bile<strong>

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><p>One fine, beautiful day, a loud screech came from Carlisle's office in Forks, Washington. "EDWARD!" the vampire surgeon bellowed melodiously. "COME TO ME, MY SON!"<p>

Ed stuck his head around the door. "Yeah, pops?" he said. "Make it snappy, I got a chick to make out with. Oh, and a werewolf. At the same time."

"All in good time, my adopted child, for time goes on and all that is to be shall come to pass." Carlisle stated in a complete monotone. "Come hither now, for this cannot wait."

"Neither can the banana in my pocket," complained Edward, but entered the room and closed the door behind him. He perched himself on his adopted father's desk and pulled a banana out of the pocket of his jacket. He peeled it and began to consume it messily.

"Must you make such a mess?" asked Carlisle, surreptitiously vomiting out the window. He wiped his mouth on Edward's elbow and continued "But no matter, I have called you in here to discuss a matter of utmost importance. I am researching the ancient and mysterious theory of humors and its function in vampire bodies."

"So?" asked Edward, spewing chunks of half-chewed banana over the desk.

"So I want to experiment on you. Lend me your arm, dear boy, and we'll begin to experiment like the doctors back in the high middle ages did."

"Not that you were around then," muttered Edward. Nevertheless, he tossed the banana skin into Carlisle's briefcase and stuck his arm out. "Go on, then. Do whatever it is you were going to do."

So Carlisle cut off his arm. Edward said, "Ouch!"

The arm fell to the ground with a thud and pink, sparkly goop oozed from it. Carlisle leaned over the desk and inspected it, while beating Edward into sweet oblivion with a baseball bat he conveniently had hanging on the wall for such purposes.

After Edward was thoroughly beaten to a thick, juicy pulp, he slowly dripped down the drain in the floor.

Meanwhile, Carlisle frowned, musing to himself, "This cannot be right at all. This bile is pink, not black!" He reached out and collected some on his index finger, which he stuck delicately between his fleshy lips. "What? It tastes like stewed onions and sugarplums, with a hint of dog. This is definitely unexpected."

As he sat on the wet patch Edward's remains had left of the desk, thinking, the door of the room flew open. In strutted Jacob, carrying Bella on his manly mountain-man shoulders. Jacob twirled his thick, bushy mustache and flexed his abs. Bella looked at Carlisle with no emotion whatsoever on her pale, clumsy face.

"What have you done with Edward?" she asked, in a complete monotone.

"He has gone to a better place…" intoned Carlisle, "in the name of science."

"That sounds fun!" yelled Jacob, with his usual inappropriate optimism. "Let's go there too!" His eyes sparkled, like a chihuahua puppy's.

"That can be arranged." Said Carlisle, "come here, my dear, disgusting werewolf. Come and be delivered to the future."

Jacob, ever the ADD child, dropped Bella and skipped happily towards Carlisle, swinging his muscular arms like windmills. In less than five minutes, he had met Carlisle's bat quite intimately and been shoved into the paper shredder. Bella watched, clapping slowly as Carlisle poured Jacob down the drain after Edwards. Carlisle turned to her, "And what about you, my darling dearie?"

"I can't live in this world that lacks an Edward. Kill me. Now.", said Bella unenthusiastically.

Carlisle, never one to refuse such an offer, immediately attacked Bella with his bat, intent on discovering the black bile within her gizzards. As soon as the bat met her pale, fleshy arm, it could go no farther. The bat bounced back toward Carlisle and hit him in the face, smashing his glasses.

"What happened?" Carlisle asked from the floor, "You are a squishy female, it should be even easier to crush you than it was Edward."

Bella blinked. "Didn't you know? I am robotic.", she droned. "My self-destruct switch is located on my uvula." She opened her mouth, revealing a huge red switch marked "Destruct-a-Bella."

Carlisle recoiled, disgusted by the prospect of touching Bella's gloppy artificial saliva. He fetched a long knitting needle from the child Renesmee, who had been happily knitting while chewing the head off a kitten beside Carlisle's desk throughout the day's events. Carlisle stuck the knitting needle into Bella's mouth and stabbed her in the uvula.

Bella's skin began to glow red. It melted off her body and into a puddle on the floor, while her shiny metal body exploded in a whirlwind of cotton candy.

"So that's why Edward always said Bella smelled so sweet…" Carlisle mused. He tasted a fluff of the cotton candy. "Hmm. Fruity, with a hint of aluminum", he remarked. "However, this does not lead me any closer to discovering the fabled Black Bile. I must experiment further, but this time… On myself!", he cackled merrily. He grabbed a saw and started hacking away at his left arm, hoping to see a thick black substance oozing from its depths. Unfortunately, he was once again disappointed as all he saw was the nub of a bone, a large mass of not-so-manly vampire muscle, and glittering undead arteries.

After cutting off his other arm to even things out, Carlisle realized his predicament and turned around to ask Renesmee to cut off his legs. She gleefully skipped up to him and sawed them off with the jaw of the kitten she had decapitated.

"What a sweet girl!" he said fondly "Now get along with you, Go find a nice cheetah to decapitate, I believe I saw one the last time I want to Kenya."

With a glowing smile, Renesmee sped off to the airport, already planning to attack the first passenger she saw with a Kenyan passport and boarding pass.

Carlisle, saddened by his disappointments thus far, contemplated his life for a while. After this grueling exercise, he finally decided to give up his quest for Black Bile. As he slithered on his globular belly to the living room he thought: "Perhaps I should embark of a new quest. I shall begin a hunt for the great and elusive… Yellow Bile!"

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